


A ghost in the reflection

by Morgue



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Attacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pastel Dan and Punk Phil, Phanfiction, Punk Phil Lester, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-01-21 03:41:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 9,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12448935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgue/pseuds/Morgue
Summary: "I see a ghost in the mirror Phil""Dan.......Dan that's you"





	1. Flower crowns and tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING SELFHARM

Dan adjusted his flower crown, no matter what he did it never looked quite right. He exhaled in frustration. And tried once more for perfection before giving up and heading to class, making sure his sleeves were down.

"Fuck....." The only seat left was next to a tall boy with piercings and tattoos. 

 

" _just my luck"_ he sat down by the boy, only now noticing the perfect fringe he had. Dan clawed at his. " _damn it! Why is nothing about me perfect? Or even normal!"_ he thought to himself. He closed his eyes thinking of his bedside drawer and the blade in it,and how its coldness would make everything better.

 

"Daniel? Are you Daniel? The teacher's taking attendance." The boy said

 

"Oh uh....here! " he smiled at the boy, a fake smile. As most smiles are.

 

The boy nodded and a few people later the teacher asked for Phillip. 

 

'Phil actually. " he raised his hand

 

Dan smiled softly " Phil that's a nice name" 

 

Phil smiled "thank you. I have a feeling we'll get along"


	2. Should I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, but I change my point of views a lot.
> 
> Thanks for 211 hits (as of now)!
> 
> Also I hope this is long enough. 
> 
> Bye for now!

Civics. Boring as usual. Except for the "freak show" sitting by me. 

Freak show. That's what they were all whispering.

What makes someone a freak? Piercings? Tattoos? Not him. Phil. Not him, not him. They suited him. The only things I hated about him were

1) We're complete opposites! Here I am sitting next to some, some punk! And I'm wearing a flower crown! I almost wore a skirt, but didn't want to push it on the first day. He has a lip ring. I want to bite down on it as we kiss. 

No! No..... I don't! It won't be like that. 

Not us. 

Not him.

2) The whole look made him look intimidating! Why do you think none of these kids were saying "freak show" to his face? He looks like he'd kill you. I mean didn't Sid kill Nancy? Punks have bad reputations.

If looks could kill I'd be dead by now. 

But me and him? 

Never.

 

The bell rings and I start grabbing my stuff. A cold hand touches my shoulder.

"Here's you're book Daniel. " I look up.

A silver lip ring. Phil.

"Thanks....." I say, barely audible. 

Phil gives a warm smile "lunch is next. Can you believe it? Lunch this early?"

I nod and give a small laugh

"Why don't we eat lunch together?"

Should I? Can I trust him? 

God I want to say yes..... Dear Jesus, nerves please please don't mess this up!

"Yes" I squeak out. A literal squeak from my mouth, oh lord have mercy. 

"Ace!" He smiles and walks off. 

I quickly scramble after him. 

Lunch, with my crush. On the first day. I've not gotten beat up yet either. 

This might be a good year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm gonna make an assumption.   
> You like phan.  
> Some people who like phan like twenty one pilots, which is the main ship of my other story.   
> You should check it out
> 
> As always   
> Stay alive, keep running.   
> -morgue


	3. Might

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fucking hate school
> 
> Enjoy
> 
> Trigger warning bullying,homophobia, self harm?

Might.

 

Maybe I  _might_ sight by my crush

 

Maybe I  _might_ get a dog

 

Maybe I  _might_ make friends.

 

The key word in all of those sentences?  _Might_. Meaning,something is possible.but will it happen?

 

Who knows?

 

For me it was this  _might_ be a good school year. 

 

 _Might_.

 

Might was how I ended up across from Phil. 

 

Why'd he pick me?

 

Pity? Lust? Some other reason? Fuck.......my breathing isn't doing to good.

 

In and 

Out.

 

Repeat until calm. 

 

Pray Phil doesn't notice. 

 

"Daniel? You alright there?" He looks at me. A nose ring. He has a nose ring too. It's shiny. Punk. A punk and a flower boy. How'd that happen?

 

"Yeah.....why'd you ask?"

 

"You seem distracted and well, you haven't eaten"

 

I smile, a fake one. I want to smile a real one for Phil..... But I just can't remember how. 

 

"I had a big breakfast" lies. 

 

"What classes do you have next Dan? "

 

Dan Daniel. I've always hated Dan, but when he says it. 

 

Everything about him.....its all......

 

A distraction. Distracting me from my own mind....my own problems

 

"Drama. Then chorus. Then maths. " I reply. Not looking at him. 

 

"We have maths together"

 

"Phil?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Why of all people did you chose me to sit by?!" I gasp, frightened of how loud I've spoken

 

Phil chuckles "simply because your interesting. I like interesting people. And you don't seem scared of me." He got up threw his food away and walked out.

 

Interesting.

 

Maybe his lip ring is colder than my blade.

 

Then a fist flies into my stomach taking me back to reality.

 

I hunch over holding my sides.

 

"Hi daniel. Miss me?" Chris. World class bully

 

"Hey Chris"

 

"Still cutting I see. Probably a fag too" he slaps me across my face.

 

I turn away,tears forming in my already swelling eye

 

"What don't you like it when boys hit you?! Fucking fag. I only do this to help daniel" he patted my head,before strolling off as if nothing happened.

 

Nothing did. No one noticed. No one cared.

 

I grab all my books close to my chest and walk out wiping my eyes on my sleeves. 

 

I'm not even looking where I'm going as I run straight into

 

"Daniel?" A lip ring. A nose ring.  Tattoos. The perfect fringe. 

 

"H-h -hi p-ph-phil......."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment


	4. masquerader

"Daniel!" 

 

He sounds mad, did he see what Chris did? Is he mad Chris didn't treat me worse? 

 

He grabs my wrist firmly and starts dragging me off silently. 

 

That is silently except my soft whines. Why? He's pulling me by the wrist. 

 

And well, I don't exactly treat my wrists nicely. 

 

in and

out

 

repeat until calm 

 

I'm not calm, His grip keeps getting tighter, I've squeezed my eyes shut. I don't want to look at him. I have no idea where we're going. 

 

My breathing is getting shakier, I'm gonna puke, I'm dizzy, I'm crying,  I'm gonna pass out. 

 

The worlds gonna pass out on  _me_

 

Phil finally lets go, and I open my eyes. 

 

He's standing over the sink getting a napkin wet.  We're in the bathroom

 

in and

out

 

repeat until calm

 

Anxiety, god its so fucking delightful 

 

I pull my knees close to my chest.

 

Phil stands over me, just for a minute before sitting by me, turning my head towards him

 

"I'm so sorry Daniel. I had to get you out of there, That guy was coming. Once he saw me dragging you....well he probably thought I'd finish you off"

 

I pull my head out of his hands, turning away. " don't touch me" I whisper. 

 

god I want him to touch me

 

Phil grabs my hands and looks me dead in the eyes. "I'm sorry I hurt you Daniel. I am. please.....let me help"

 

I start crying. sobbing. 

 

He pulls my close and starts dabbing the napkin at my bleeding lip. He reaches into his lunchbox and pulls out his icepack.

 

In one hand he holds me. In the other he holds the icepack on my eye.

 

"Daniel....... How long has your life been like this? "

 

I just bury myself closer into him, and I think that's answer plenty for him. 

 

The bell rings. But neither of us move. 

 

"Daniel.......about your wrists......"

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment


	5. Confessions and concerns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning

I immediately jerked up, putting a bit of space between us

 

In and 

Out

 

I'm not calm this time

 

"What what about my wrists Phil?"

 

Phil sighs "I know what your going through Daniel" he starts pulling his pants off

 

_Oh god he's gonna rape me_

 

Phil shoves his pants to the side and spreads his legs wide open. Then points

 

At his thighs

 

Littered with scars.

 

_cuts_

 

"See Daniel...... You and I aren't so different after all" he puts his pants back on and grabs my wrist. Fast and strong

 

"Fuck! " I yank it out of his grasp. Only hurting it more.

 

"What the hell Phil?!" Tears welling in my eyes. 

 

"Dan.......I'm sorry.....I" 

 

I jump up and grab my bag, swinging it over my shoulder "everyone's fucking sorry" 

 

Phil grabs my hand "wait....."

 

I turn and look at him. His hands coming dangerously close to my head

 

I feel my hair shift 

 

"There. You look like an angel"

 

I glance at the bathroom mirror. He's put my flower crown back in.

 

I reluctantly drop my bag back on the floor. And place my head into Phil's chest and roll up my sleeves.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment. They mean the world to me
> 
> \- Morgan


	6. numbers

"Daniel......" 

I bit my lip, ha. Maybe I'll give myself my own piercing. 

"This........ Let me see your other arm"

I gently place it in his hands, and feel the coldness as he pulls the sleeve down 

His fingers gently dance over the scars, I can feel his mouth open and whisper.

"28" he finally says

"28?"

He taps one wrist lightly "16"

then the other 

"12"

"oh.......I ......I should get to class......"

I shriek as I'm being picked up, phil throws me over his shoulder.

I pound on his back as my breathing worsens

in and  
out

repeat until calm

How am I supposed to be calm when I'm being taken from the school by a guy I barely know.

Focus. Focus on something to calm you down.

Maybe you're wondering were I learned my breathing techniques.

That pleasure belong to Doctor Sally. My shrink. Lovely woman. my dad hired her as a going away present.

I open my eyes, my breathing is steady

And I'm somewhere new. 

"welcome to my bedroom" Phil sets me down

"lets talk"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment!
> 
> Thanks to EVERYONE who has read this!


	7. Time

" _let's talk"_

 

That phrase. I've heard it too many times to count.

 

From Sally most of the time. 

 

I don't see my mom too much

 

Let's not even get started on my dad

 

Sally doesn't even know I cut! She just thinks I have anxiety and maybe PTSD from what happened....

 

I'm supposed to tell her everything.

 

But hey, I'm only human.

 

And when are humans honest?

 

In and

Out

 

Repeat until calm, a silent mantra I act out multiple times daily.

 

I look at Phil "I don't want to talk"

 

Phil chuckled "you don't want to talk about anything serious. Fine......ask me anything, and I'll answer it honestly"

 

A futile attempt to make this less awkward. 

 

I smile, coldly. I'm gonna use this against him in four simple words

 

"Do you like me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment


	8. Honesty and lies

" _Do you like me?"_

 

A question asked often. Often times the answer is one we'd rather not get. 

 

But sometimes you might get lucky

 

_might_

 

.....

 

 

"Do I like Daniel Howell?"  He looks up, thinking to himself

 

I look down, steadying my breath. 

 

in and 

out

 

I shouldn't have asked. I really really shouldn't have.

 

God I don't want to hear his answer. 

 

God I fucking need to

 

"I do"

 

"what?!"

 

"I do like you Daniel"

"why?" God damn it phil tell me why!

Phil looks me dead in the eye "You're brave and funny and cute and I want to kiss you and I love your flower crown and your little curls and your eyes and.....and well......everything"

Everything.

fucking bullshit. 

"we only meet today! "

"love at first sight?" He says awkwardly

"phil....."

I should be grateful. 

I'm not

in and  
out

"You don't want to love me......much less like me" 

 

"How about this. A compromise"

I look at him turning my head to the side, like a confused puppy

"If I can help you, make you better. You'll go out with me"

"Phil.....the kids at school....." I point at my swollen eye

"screw them Dan. What about you? What do you want? Me? You know I'll be able to protect you"

Do I want Phil?

God yes.

Do I want Phil hurt?

God no.

What do I want?

"I want you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are these too short?  
> Are they rushed?  
> Honest criticism is appreciated 
> 
> Please comment!
> 
> Stay alive and keep running  
> -Morgan


	9. Necessities

_"I want you"_

 

Did I mean it?

 

I don't know. Its hard to know what you want when you don't even know yourself.

 

_"don't even remember yourself"_

 

Phil smiles and takes off his lip ring

 

And kisses me.

 

And well.....I don't have good experiences with kissing......and the memories are flooding back.

 

                                                                  ***flashback***

 

" _come on Daniel, daddy will stop of you give him a kiss"_

 

I cry and whine, it hurts

 

Daddy's says its love.

 

I slowly pull myself off, and kiss him. 

 

He pulls out. Tucks me in. And kisses my head

 

_"remember daddy loves you"_

 

_***end flashback***_

 

i open my eyes and Phil's still kissing me.

 

Do I want this?

 

Yes.

No.

 

I push him away.

 

His head hit his headboard of the bed.

 

I hear him wince before I see the blood

 

I gasp

 

No

No

No

 

In and 

Out.

 

I grab my bag, hyperventilating, I can barely see. My vision clouded with tears. I hear nothing

 

Nothing apart from the sound of my lungs gasping for air.

 

I run home.

 

Phil

 

Dad.

 

Phil 

Dad

 

What do I want?

What do I need?

 

Phil

He's hurt! Yes! No!

 

Dad.

He hurt me! Yes! No!

 

He loved me!

 

They both did.

 

Did they?

 

In and

Out

 

In and 

Out.

 

There is no calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever cause I cried because of reasons.
> 
> Sorry if its not good. I liked the first draft more but, well.....problems.
> 
> Thanks for 500 hits guys! 
> 
> Comment!
> 
> Stay alive and keep running!
> 
> -morgan


	10. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fucking love you all.
> 
> Stay alive and keep running!  
> -morgan

I storm into my room and throw my bag on my bed and run to the bathroom, collapsing I'm front of the toilet I puke.

 

Hey its not pleasant, but neither is an anxiety attack.

 

My shaky hands open the cabinet, reaching around.

 

Finally, my Klonopin. Common treatment for those with anxiety. I take two. 

 

I slid down against the wall and lay down, listening to my breath normalize before cleaning up.

 

And going to bed.

 

Anxiety attacks take up a lot of your energy. 

 

So does running from your boyfriend.

 

My eyes close and I sleep.

 

I don't go to school the next day.

 

Or the day after that.

 

Or the next day.

 

Phil.

 

I finally get out of my room and go to school. 

 

I feel off though. 

 

I take two Klonopin on my way out. That's when I realize.

 

My flower crown.

 

_phil has it!_

 

I get to class early and bury my arms in my sweater. Several minutes later I feel my hair being moved

 

The chair next to me move.

My arms move.

 

My head move.

 

Phil.

He's gotten a haircut. 

Why?

 

So he could get stitches

"Hi daniel. You left that at my house"

 

I'm about to cry and my lungs are failing.

 

"Don't worry okay? I'm fine. I should've asked first. We can take things as slow as you need. I'm really sorry daniel"

 

And he is.

 

You can tell be his eyes. They sparkle, sparkle due to the light when it hits the water in his eyes

 

I gently and slowly grab his hand

 

"As slow as I need?" I ask, confirming him

 

"As slow as you need" he smiles softly 

 

His wearing that bloody lip ring again.

 

_as slow as I need_

 

I kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please


	11. fix

I pull away quickly though

 

Long enough to feel the cool metal on my lips. 

 

Phil's eyes sparkle, his eyes are the same color as Dr. Sally's.

 

_Dr.Sally_

 

I gasp and grab all my stuff "shit phil I'm sorry I have to get a bus ride to the city!"

 

Phil looks at me suspiciously "why Daniel?"

 

_lie lie lie_

 

"I uh have to help my mom with shit today!"  I throw my bag over my shoulder and dash to my locker, I need my money for the bus

 

Phil stands behind me and grabs me, pulling me into a hug and slapping a twenty in my hand "that should be enough" he grins

 

I smile and get on my tiptoes and peck his cheek.  "Thanks sunshine" I giggle 

 

I run out of the school to the nearest bus stop and wait for its arrival.

 

Did I take my klonopin?

 

Best take two just in case, I reach into my bag grabbing the bottle and popping the lid off and taking two. 

 

the bus turns up and I pay my toll. 

 

I'm on my way Dr. Sally.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH ITS AT 600 THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH 
> 
> (this one's kinda filler/buildup)
> 
> stay alive and keep running  
> -Morgan


	12. remedy

I dash off the bus, my bag hitting my back the whole way. I run up main street and take a left.

then a right.

then you go straight and fourth building on the left is hers.

 

I take a deep breath

 

in and

out

 

and step in.

 

"hello Daniel. Your ten minutes late" 

 

I look up Its Ms. Holloway, Dr. Sally's receptionist. 

 

"I know Ms. Holloway, I forgot, is she ready to see me?"

 

"She's been ready" She points to the door of Dr. Sally's office

 

I nod "thanks Ms. Holloway "

 

"Go on Daniel" She smiles 

 

I step inside Dr.Sally's office and sit down in my usual chair.

 

"hello Daniel"

 

"Hi Dr. Sally"

 

"Its just Sally Daniel."

 

I nod and look down fidgeting with my fingers.

 

"DId You take your klonopin today?"  She asks, right out of the gate we're at meds.

 

"yes" 

 

"when do you take them? How often?"

 

"After an attack....."

 

"How often do you have them?" 

 

"more lately"

 

"And how's your depression?"

 

"it's it's......."  _overwhelming_ I want to tell her, I just 

 

_cant_

 

 

Dr.Sally is writing something down

 

"have you been sleeping?"

 

"no"

 

"eating?"

 

"a bit"

 

"Daniel......You're not going to get better if you don't try"

 

"I am trying! I am! It's all too much! Everything is too much! " I feel my lungs heave. 

 

in and 

 

"Out" She speaks "In and out Daniel, I'm giving you a new prescription. Three klonopin a day and a new one. Prozac. Its for depression. "

 

in and 

out

 

I reach for the paper with a shaky hand and take it, my prescription 

 

joy

 

"That's all the time we have Daniel, try to come on time next term" She reaches into her purse and pulls out a twenty, my mother gives her money in advance to give to me for the bus.

 

"I'll try Dr. Sally"

 

"It's just Sally Daniel"

 

"Bye Sally" I grab my bag and walk out, zero progress made. At least to me.

 

"Prozac and klonopin" I shake my head muttering

 

"Phil's gonna be mad" I step onto the bus.

 

It's raining. 

 

I keep my gaze out the window, I'll get my Prozac tomorrow.

 

I've made it this far without it haven't I?

 

Haven't I?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment
> 
> stay alive and keep running  
> -Morgan


	13. confer

I don't bother with the rest of school. 

 

Why should I?

 

I lay on my bed and listen to the clock in my room tick.

 

I time my breathing with it. 

 

I'm being lulled into a slumber when I hear a knock, I open my eyes and sit up.

 

I head to the door, tired. 

 

And open it 

 

"Hi Daniel"

 

I look up "hi Phil" I smile softly and weakly.

 

Is it real? Fake? I cant tell. 

 

Phil looks at me " It didn't go well did it?"

 

I reach into my pocket and hand him my prescription, that's answer plenty

 

"Prozac?! Daniel that's for depression and Klonopin? Daniel......Daniel " he touches my head "What's going on in there?"

 

nothing

 

and  _everything_

 

I only shrug 

 

Phil holds me close "Chris asked about you, wanted to know where his plaything was. "

 

"plaything?"

 

"those were his words"

 

I bit my lip

 

"Be careful there bear. You might give yourself a piercing "

 

"Bear?" I ask giggling 

 

"Yeah, you're like a cuddling bear"

 

"phil?"

 

"yes?"

 

"can you take me to the pharmacy to get my Prozac?"

 

"Of course" 

 

_of course_

 

how often we say those words

 

how little we mean them 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR 700 GUYS! 
> 
> I LOVE YOU! 
> 
> STAY ALIVE AND KEEP RUNNIG 
> 
> -MORGAN


	14. Expectations

Phil's holding my hand as he drags me down the block.

"Where are we going?" 

"My house together the keys to the minivan from my mom!" He stands at a doorway fishing keys from his pocket

 

And unlocks the door. We step in.

 

"My mom is well.....you'll see"

 

"Phil! Phillip! Is that you?" A woman comes down the stairs. "Phil! Who's this cutie?!" 

 

Phil bites his lip ring "Mom this is Daniel"

 

"Is he the one who you said would look damn fine in a skirt?"

 

"Mom!"

 

I'm blushing, so's he.

 

"We just need the keys to the car"

 

"They're in my room on the dresser go get them"

 

He runs off

 

She steps closer to me "there's condoms in the glovebox" she whispers with a wink before heading to the kitchen.

 

I freeze up.

 

In and

Out

 

Dont have an anxiety attack in Phil's house. 

 

Condoms?! 

 

Does Phil want that with me?

 

Phil runs down with the keys "bye mom!"

 

Grabs my hand and pulls me into the car. The doors lock.

 

In and

Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please


	15. accord

"unlock the doors" I frantically whisper

 

"what Daniel?" he's opening the glovebox

 

"Unlock the doors!" I yell and try opening the door, or at least the window. 

 

I need air. I need to breathe. 

 

He unlocks them.

I throw my head out the door, inhaling deeply.

 

"You said as slow as I need!"

"I did, and I mean it"

"Then why did you open that?" I point to the glovebox

Phil sticks his hand in and pulls out sunglasses "I..... I just wanted these......not the other things Daniel. I thought you would think higher of me."

"I'm sorry phil! I don't know if you know this but anxiety makes you assume the worst sometimes!"

"Daniel I'm sorry, please calm down"

"You don't know what it's like Phil......just.....just....let's go to the pharmacy"

 

Phil closed the glovebox and drove.

 

I looked out the window, in and

out.

 

in and

out.

 

repeat until calm.

 

Phil makes me calm.

 

RIght?

 

 


	16. Staid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have a headache sorry if this sucks.

I look over at Phil. He's so collected. So free. So

_calm._

 

I used to be like that, once upon a time.

 

Until the waves came crashing in on me, and I drowned.

 

 

 

A few minutes later we're here.

The pharmacy. They know me by name here. How charming.

 

I open my door and slowly step out. Phil's a little bit behind me.

 

I go up to the counter and give them my papers and wait.

 

Wait.

 

Wait and calm go hand and hand. When you wait you do so calmly or at the very least impatiently. Unlike

 

Wait and anxiety. Anxiety is like the rain on the parade of life. Or is that depression? Either way I'm soaked.

 

I anxiously tap my foot, nearly screaming as Phil wraps his arms around me.

 

Finally, after what seems like hours I get my prozac and refill Klonopin.

 

As soon as we get to the car I take three Klonopin and one prozac. Cheerful. I can feel Phil gazing at me. What does he expect? Me to smile and propose? That's not how meds work Phil. I love you but that's not how it works.

 

I wish it worked like that. 

 

Who knows? Maybe these might help me.

 

_might._


	17. obscurity

"Feel any better?"

I snap out of my daze and look at Phil "Hmm?"

"I said are you feeling any better" You could hear the slight twinge of annoyance in his voice

"It's not immediate Phil. I wish it was, but it isn't. It doesn't make me happy, it just gives my brain the chemicals it needs that it on it own doesn't make"

"I know Daniel, I just thought I'd ask. "

"Sorry you have to put up with me and my fucked up mental health, I don't want to be this way you know.  _I_ wasn't _always_ this way. I...... I..... There's been a lot Phil, a lot. "

 

Phil holds my hand and he parks the car in my drive way, mom isn't home.

 

She never is.

 

"Daniel promise me you'll take your medicine when you need to.  Promise me you'll _try"_

 

_try._

 

to me that means two things.

 

1\. Make an effort.

 

hahahaha depression, it makes you want to try _nothing_ attempt _nothing_

 

2\. subject someone to trial.

 

trial, what trial do I face?

The daily trial of not picking up my blade and ending it all.

 

That sounds really typical and attention seeking.

 

its not.

 

I cut to feel something. I haven't lately because of Phil.

 

I want to be better for him, its not like he's miraculously fixing me. Or making me feel happy.

 

He is making me feel happy, and anxious. What if I say the wrong thing? DO the wrong thing. Cut?

 

I'm not doing it cause I don't want to see the disappointment on his face.

 

" I'll **try** my best Phil. Can you do something for me?"

 

"Anything"

 

haha, anything. As you and I both know when someone says they'll do anything for you, they're lying.

 

I am too.

 

" If I don't take them as often as I should, or I relapse you wont get mad. You'll just......help me."

 

"I promise"

 

promise:  a declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen.

 

_Assurance._

 

Assurance to you, Bull shit to me.

 

I've had so many promises made to me, and all we're broken.

 

broken.

 

Like me.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this at school, hope this is a good one.
> 
> stay alive and keep running-  
> Morgan


	18. Fragments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning self harm

I open the door and leave.

 

He doesn't say goodbye. I don't either.

 

Goodbyes are hard to say.

 

But it's just words!What is it about words that makes them hard to say? Hard to forget? Make you Laugh?

 

Make you cry.

 

make  
you  
die.

 

Goodbye  
Love  
Promise  
Assurance  
Try  
Might  
Broken

 

These words flood my brain as I reach my hand into my bedside drawer.  Those are the words that have made me think. Contemplate. Question. Cry.  Fall apart.

 

 

Its cold. Just like Phil's lip ring.

 

 

I pull my hand out and hold it. In between my thumb and pointer finger is the only thing that makes me feel.

 

feel  _alive. feel SOMETHING_

 

 

 

 

Can't do my wrists. Phil would notice. 

 

 

I slowly take my pants off. 

 

Only long skirts from now on I guess.

 

 

And I press it into my thighs.

 

 

Cause I need to feel. 

 

I need to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god damn it guys, you and you're fucking comments.  
> I'm gonna keep writing don't worry.  
> leave ideas for new fics.  
> stay alive and keep running-  
> Morgan


	19. Impression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit short, but I've been busy today.
> 
> trigger warning self harm

After a few slashes I drop it. 

 

just drop it.  Not caring anymore, the feelings gone. it makes me want to do it again. To 

 

_feel._

 

I've stopped crying when I do it. It doesn't make me feel emotional pain, no. It's all physical. 

 

But it's  _SOMETHING_. And I need that something to keep sane.

 

As sane as I can. 

 

sane.

 

That's rich coming from me.

 

Saying "I'm sane" No one knows how bad it is.

 

Not Dr.Sally

Not Mom

Not .....Dad....

 

Phil....... God Phil if you knew how bad everything is........... you'd turn your head away and leave.

 

I need you.

 

You make me  _feel!_

 

And I need to feel.

 

If I stop feeling..........

 

Well if I stop......

 

 Then there's no more of me left. 

 

Is there?

 

What's the point of living if you cant love someone?

 

Cant love yourself.

 

Cant.

 

You 

 

just 

 

_cant_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment below! I want to know more about you guys. Do you have any fics I should read? How are you? Things like that  
> stay alive and keep running-  
> Morgan


	20. regression

I lay there. For a few hours. Not feeling. Wishing I could feel. I finally sit up and put the blade away and head to the bathroom.

 

shower time. 

 

Don't look in the mirror. 

 

You wont like what you see.

 

I look anyways.

 

there's no person there. Its a 

 

_ghost._

 

A ghost in the reflection

 

a shell of the person I used to be.

 

Who did I use to be?

 

What does Phil see in me?

 

What does he see when he looks at me?

 

All I am is a husk. A husk of who I used to be.

 

And I cant even remember who that was!

 

I step in the shower, making sure its warm first.

 

Cold makes the cuts hurt worse.

 

I let the water hit me. I gently dab at the cuts with a washcloth. Don't want it infected. Then I'd have to go to a doctor.

 

Who would give me new drugs

Pronounce me insane

Send me to a mental ward

Phil would leave me

 

 

 

The truth about my past would come out

 

Dad.

 

Where are you?

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment please. we're so close to 1000
> 
> Stay alive and keep running.
> 
> Thanks guys
> 
> -Morgan


	21. former

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ones a bit dark
> 
> trigger warning

My dad was always home. In contrast to my mother who still never is. 

 

He was always home. Always with me. 

 

Always in me should I say.

 

Love is what he called it. Love.

 

Love is pain.

 

Does that mean I love myself everytime I hurt myself?

 

He would wake me up every now and then on a Monday. He'd say it was a special day between us. We'd go get breakfast and go to the playground or see a movie. He'd but me ice cream. Once he even took me two hours away to the zoo.

 

I loved the llamas.  

 

Then came the night. He'd fix me my favorite meal. Let me watch tv real late with him on the couch. Then he'd whisper in my ear " _Time to pay daddy back Daniel"_

 

I was only five when I gave my first blowjob. I got hit that night. 

 

Why?

 

Cause I gagged so hard I puked.

 

I came to school the next day with a black eye, I said I had tripped while outside yesterday.

 

No one questioned it.

 

Once a week we'd have the trips.

 

Once a week i'd pay him back. 

 

I don't gag anymore.

 

Then he realized. I don't have to waste money buying him stuff I can just have him to it.

 

I lost my virginity when I was six.

 

_six_

 

My neck would be covered in hickies. 

 

He only stopped when he left.

 

That day was the worst.

 

He fucked me all day.

 

Hit me all day.

 

Then he kissed me once more and said " _Daddy has a business offer. I'll be back in a few days. Remember Daniel, Daddy loves you"_

 

I was twelve then , meaning for six years that happened nearly every night.

 

I'm seventeen now. I haven't seen him since. yet I can still hear his voice.

 

His words

 

_"Daddy loves you"_

 

" _I'll be back"_

 

And then I wonder when.

 

When will I be put to torture again?

When will he say he loves me again?

 

Five years.

 

Its been five years.

 

I'll be eighteen in a few months.  An adult. I'll be free.

 

Will I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for 1000 hits guys!  
> Freaking love you!  
> Please comment!  
> Stay alive and keep running!-  
> Morgan


	22. Ensue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that last chapter. It was truly horrific, but not all stories start out happy.

Maybe if I take more Prozac I'll be better. Maybe i'll stop thinking about.....

 

_him_

 

God damn it why do I miss him? He hurt me.

 

He hurt ME!

 

and yet I still crave for his touch, his soothing words.

 

Is that a normal thing?

 

I've read about it. It's some form of Stockholm Syndrome. I want him.

 

I don't want him

 

I need him

 

I hate him.

 

It juggles back and forth. Might not hurt to take another Prozac

 

_might_

 

I swallow another Prozac pill.

 

pill

phil

phil

pill

 

I reach across onto my dresser and grab my phone and call Phil.

 

"Phil? It's me Daniel."

"Dan! Whats wrong? Your voice sounds so broken, so hurt. What happened? I'm turning around. I'm coming to you."

"what? Phil no please no. I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine"

"I'll be there in a few minutes. Don't do anything else"

"Phil!" He hung up

 

A few minutes later there's a knock on my door. "Come in it's open!" I roll my eyes. then I realize I'm still naked. just lying on my bed naked. Thighs out for everyone to see. By everyone I mean Phil.

 

Phil's in the doorway staring at me, at my thighs. You can always tell when cuts are fresh.

 

"Dan!" he rushes to my side dropping a bag and coffee in the process. He holds my face in his hands.  "Dan.......Dan.....bear why would you do this? Dan Why didn't you call before? Dan......"

 

I start to cry, he's mad, disappointed. And he called me Dan. My dad would call me that.

 

He pulls me up and leans me against my bed. He starts rummaging through his bag, he pulls out a long pastel skirt. And a sweater. He opens my drawers finds my underwear and dresses me.

 

I say nothing, Not even thank you. If I did speak it'd be nothing but tears.

 

And he holds me, stroking my hair, rubbing my back.  "Daniel. Why don't we go see what you look like. Huh?"

 

I give a small nod and he carries me to the bathroom and sets me in front of the mirror.

 

"What do you see? What do you see Daniel?"

 

" I see a ghost in the mirror Phil"

 

"Dan...... Dan that's you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My teacher is a badass  
> hey, also wanna watch something incredibly moving? Check out Racing Extinction. It'll make you think.  
> please comment
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-  
> Morgan


	23. slander

" What do you want me to say Phil?! That I'm fine?! That I think I look amazing?! That I think I Look normal?! Cause none of that's true! None of it! I hardly sleep! Eat! I'm barely a functionally human being! What do you see Phil? Cause whatever you see it isn't true." I rip the flower crown off my head and throw it at his feet. I'm so sick of lies. Not just from myself but from others, that's all they ever seem to do. 

 

Lie. 

 

They lie because they say

 

Either it'll benefit me or

 

I cant handle the truth.

 

They'd be surprised at what I've handled. 

 

I've handled shit for years that'd kill a normal human being. 

 

Good thing I'm not normal. I look up, Phil hasn't said anything, all he's done is silently pick up the flower crown. He puts it in his pocket as he grabs his bag. Heading for the door

 

"Phil! Wait please!"

 

"You cant have it both ways Dan! You cant just yell at me and not expect me to be mad! The world doesn't work like that!" He grabs his bag and walks out the door, slamming it shut.

 

I open my mouth. nothing comes out.

 

Nothing until a gasping breath, I start clawing at my sweater, it needs to come off, it's suffocating me.

 

_I need to breath!_

 

I finally get it off, collapsing onto the floor, breathing in short panicky breaths. 

 

He's right.

 

The world doesn't work that way.

 

Then the door opens. 

 

 

_" Daniel? Daddy's home. Did you miss me?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated until now, I've been busy.
> 
> Please comment!
> 
> Stay alive and keep running -  
> Morgan


	24. Jolt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning rape and sexual stuff

_five years_

 

Its been five fucking years since I've heard that voice

 

"Daniel? Are you home? Hiding from daddy maybe?"

 

I feel my breath hitch, I look up, he's in the doorway

 

"Oh Daniel, You look all nice and slutty in a skirt"

 

I feel his hands creep up my thighs

 

"Did you miss me Daniel?" He whispers in my ear 

 

"Daddy....."

 

"Yes Daniel, say my name. Say you missed me." He places his mouth on my neck and chest and starts sucking deep purple bruises onto them

 

He palms me through my boxers, and I'm hard now.

 

"Like it when daddy touches you?" He slaps me "answer me!"

 

" I love it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its gonna be dark  
> comment please  
> Stay alive and keep running-  
> Morgan


	25. Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First time doing smut. Be warned

"I know you love it you slut" his rough hands pull off my boxers in one tug. My skirts gone. I'm completely naked

 

_exsposed_

 

"Phil...." I squeak out

 

My father flips me over, my face is roughly pushed into the floor and he pushes into me, no prep whatsoever.

 

I howl in pain.

 

"Scream all you want daniel, no one can hear you."

 

 

And so I scream

 

Screams of pain

 

Anger

 

Mistrust

 

Love?

 

Begging, just begging for him to stop.

 

I feel my breaths get shorter. I'm so close, so's he.

 

I hear him moan as he comes inside of me. He pulls out slowly, pulling his pants back on.

 

 

"Bye daniel. Daddy's gonna go back to his hotel"

 

"Remember _daddy loves you"_

 

 

the door closes

 

 

And I just lay there. Nof moving not feeling

 

I pull my self to the bathroom, my neck and chest are covered in hickies.

 

And once again there it is.

 

My ghost. 

 

My ghost in the reflection

 

I hear the door open

 

"daniel?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please
> 
> Maybe comment who you think says Daniels name at the end?
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-
> 
> Morgan


	26. abandon

Phil!

 

"Daniel. I'm so sorry I just walked out on you like that, I just think you should take my feelings into accoun-"  He stops mid sentence. Seeing my naked body covered in hickies.

 

"phil! Please let me explain!"

 

"There's nothing to explain! In that short time I was gone you already moved on" He threw a bag at me, a flower crown spilled out "Keep that give it to whoever fucked you, maybe you actually like him!" 

 

He walks away and I grab his arm, he pulls it away and gives me a small shove "No Daniel. I don't want to hear it. You never did care about me, did you? I cared about you. I  _still_ do. Which Is why it hurts even more! SO just save it for the next guy okay?" He gives me one more sad look, before walking out

 

 

phil

 

 

"I'm sorry" I whisper to him

 

to myself

 

 

in and 

out

 

One last time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-
> 
> Morgan


	27. Downfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning

_one last time_

 

Phils gone. No ones left for me.

 

 

At least no one that really cares

 

And then I realize, so have I.

 

Once Phil stopped, I stopped.

 

So what's the point? Might as well do it.

 

Its now or never.

 

I pick now.

 

And so I head to the living room, Phil's phone is on the couch. And I unlock it, he told me his password so I could look at old photos of him.

 

And I type up a note

 

" _Phil. I'm sorry you had to date me. I wish I could be the person you deserve,please find someone better. You made me feel Phil, for that I'll always be thankful. I love you._

_Goodbye- Daniel._

 

So. This is it. Not much to say goodbye too.

 

I pick up my prozac and down that bottle. Then I do the same with my klonopin.

 

 

And then I go to the bathroom, waving bye one last time to the ghost.

 

The ghost in my reflection.

 

And I start up a bath. At least I'll die clean.

 

I'm sorry Phil.

I feel my eyes growing heavy already.

 

in and 

Out

 

A final time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for this one
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-
> 
> Morgan


	28. Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rare chapter from phils pov. 
> 
> um I suppose the trigger warning still applies.

I so I begin my walk home, he never loved me did he?

 

Never cared.

 

Now I know how he feels all the time.

 

Let me tell you, it is not a nice feeling.

 

"Hey Fag! Stop where you are! I wanna have a nice _chat"_

 

I stop dead in my tracks and turn around, Chris. Daniel's bully.

 

_My bully_

 

He walks up to me and puts his hands on my shoulders "I'm giving you one warning. Either break up with that fag Daniel and join me and my friends when we beat him up, or join him and get beat up. "

 

I look over and I can see Daniel's house, I don't want to hurt him. except......

 

I already have.

 

"Chris....I'll never be like you"

 

And then he punches me square in the nose and I wobble backwards, it bleeding, broken most likely. And I run, and run until I'm inside Daniel's house.

 

"Daniel? I'm so sorry."

 

"Daniel?" My calls are become frantic, my breathing is as well.

 

"Daniel!'

 

I look in the living room and on the couch is my phone and two empty bottles of pills

 

"DANIEL!"

 

I run to his room, passing the bathroom on the way

 

"DANIEL!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-
> 
> Morgan


	29. Pray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil his breathings different than dans but he's trying his best. 
> 
>  
> 
> poor thing
> 
> Id thought id treat you to a long chapter
> 
> Thnks for everything guys!

"DANIEL!" I race into the bathroom as fast as my legs will let me.

 

Dear God please let him be awake.

 

Alive.

 

Please just let him be alive.

 

I kneel by his side trying to steady my breathing

 

in and out, that's how Daniel does it right?

 

"Daniel" I feel his pulse its so so so weak.

 

"Wake up Daniel Please wake up"

 

nothing.

 

no response.

 

Is this how the world treated him? No response? With nothing?

 

I pick him up, I'm not leaving him here while I get my phone, if he dies he'll do it in my arms and i'll hold him.

 

 

"I'm here bear. I'm here, please open your eyes" I've laid him on the couch by  the empty bottles

 

Stay calm Phil, Stay calm. I grab my phone keeping my eyes on him the whole time.

 

He's alive phil.

 

That's something.

 

Something.

 

I need more than something I need more.

 

I need him awake in my arms, his words.

 

"911, what's your emergency"

 

"My boyfriend, he he he...."

 

"He what sir? Police fire or ambulance. "

 

"Ambulance he swallowed too many pills. "

 

"An ambulance is on the way, just calm down and make sure he keeps breathing"

 

And so I sit by him and hold his hand and shortly the ambulance arrives.

 

and takes him.

 

they tell me to visit tomorrow.

 

If he makes it.

 

_If._

 

God damn it, if he dies its all my fault, don't die Daniel please I love you.

 

And the door opens " _Daniel Daddy's back"_

 

And theres a man in front of me "You aren't Daniel. " He finaly says

 

"I I I I'm not sir, I'm his.....his ..."

 

"Boyfriend? The one who made him look all slutty in the skirt?"

 

"Don't.....Don't talk about him like that!"

 

He smashes his lips to mine and I push him and kick as hard as I can.

 

Nothings working.

 

My shirts soon off  "no no no please no.... "

 

"First time? Don't worry, Daniel was bad his first time too"

 

I have to fight back, my neck it has so many hickies

 

_Oh Daniel this was how you got those hickies wasn't it?_

 

_Oh Daniel, how long did this happen to you?_

 

His mouth is on my neck, so I move mine and put my mouth to his neck

 

And bite.

 

As hard as I can.

 

My mouth tastes of metal.

 

Blood

 

"Fucking whore!"

 

He punches me in my already swollen nose, and then my eye and he gets up and leaves

 

I catch my breath, my neck is so red.

 

"hello 911, ambulance, police or fire?'

 

"Police, a man has just sexually assaulted me.... please I don t want him to come back, please'

 

My voice sounds so small and so pleading, my breathing damn it I didn't take my pills.

 

"A officer is on the way, just stay calm "

 

_Calm?_

 

How the hell am I supposed to be calm? I was almost raped and my boyfriend my one love is dying! Maybe already dead!

 

Don't think of it, I feel my breath get worse, the door knocks "Police! May we come in?"

 

"Yes! Yes!" I yell in short gasps.

 

They come in, one starts looking around, the other kneels beside me. He helps me and calms me down. He reminds me of my dad. They get a sketch and the even said they'd take me to the hospital.

 

And so I get in the car

 

"I'm coming Daniel" I whisper

 

Please.

 

Please be alive

 

_Please_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-
> 
> Morgan


	30. indebted

The nice officers have given me an icepack for my eye and, well they snapped my nose back into place. 

 

They gave me an icepack for that too. They've dropped me off at the front doors of the hospital. And I step in

 

"How do I find my boyfriend?" I ask the front desk lady 

 

"well Sir what's his name, are you immediate family? Why is he here? When was he brought in?"

 

"I just need to know if he's alive!" 

 

The woman looks at me with soothing eyes "Sir, If you answer my questions I may be able to help you. "

 

"His name Is Daniel Howell! I'm his boyfriend! The only family he has! He swallowed all his pills! He was brought in like a half hour ago! Please please I need to know!"

 

She sighs and types his name into the system " I may have a nurse look at that nose of yours"

 

"I'm fine! I just need to know about him! Please! I love him!"

 

"He's alive. Barely. If he makes it through the night he'll be in stable condition and you can see him tomorrow"

 

"Oh thank you! Thank god!" I hug her tightly and start crying "thank you, Can can I just sit by him?  "

 

"No sir, I've already broken the rules by telling you his condition and you aren't family. You can see him at six in the morning if he makes it through the night, the waiting room is over there" She pointed

 

"Thank you! Thank you so much!" I ran to the room and sat down. 

 

He's alive.

 

He's alive

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read this  
> please comment  
> Stay alive and keep running-  
> Morgan


	31. attentive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh look your boi Daniel is back

I feel my eyelids open slowly, they feel like rocks, weighing down trying to shut again.

 

"Doctor, please, let me in! Just let me sit by him!" that's Phil's voice, oh doctor please

 

"Fine Sir, But he's sleeping, don't wake him. He needs rest, And now with this attempt being his second and his scars we are pronouncing him insane. he'll be in pain when he wakes so be gentle"

 

"I will I will! Just let me see him!"  

 

"Very well"

 

Soon enough I hear the door close and a chair being pulled up next to me

 

"Hi Daniel, you probably can't hear me, but I I I.......you scared me so much! You were so cold! And you were breathing like a newborn kitten! So weak dan......Daniel.....please wake up. Please please I need you......I love you. I .....I know about your dad....I'm so so sorry. Sorry about him about leaving you, I... I just... Just wake up, okay bear? I love you" You can hear his voice falling apart, the room becomes loud with sobs.

 

Open eyes, please for Phil, please

 

And they do

 

"Oh my god! Daniel! You! You youre awake!" 

 

I nod and slowly sit up, groaning in pain the whole time, they must've pumped my stomach again.  I know from past and recent experiences, its not pleasant 

 

"Oh bear, please don't hurt yourself" Phil helps by putting pillows behind me

 

"I I I heard what you said. " My voice is hoarse. I mustve been out for one? Two days?

 

Phil bit his lip "You felt like ice.......You were like a cold baby kitten, they way they barely breath cause its like they just don't know how. The doctor......she said this....this was your second time.....doing this"

 

He tilted his head, I see hickies "Phil did....did you get with someone else?"

 

He looks down "I got with the same guy you did Daniel......"

 

I look down "I'm sorry he did that......"

 

"Look its fine, the police are after him, I just.....this is your second time doing this?"

 

I look down "two years ago, had a really bad panic attack, swallowed too much klonopin and nearly died, that was the last day I can remember that my mom came home early"

 

"I'm so sorry Daniel. I love you, I love you so much bear"

 

I smile weakly, my eyelids droopy again

 

"get some rest bear, I love you"

 

my eyes close

 

I love you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment
> 
> Stay alive and keep Running-  
> Morgan


	32. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey look another phil chapter.
> 
> Do you guys want more Dan or Phil? Let me know in the comments!

I look down at him sleeping, it reminds me of when he was in my arms when I pulled him from the tub. he's so small, so weak. I wish I could help him, Somehow I don't think it was a panic attack that made him take all those pills. And now I know about his father, his father and what he's done to Daniel. My Daniel. I feel him turn in the bed. he's awake, didn't nap long.

 

"Hi phil. " he smiled a tiny bit. 

 

"Hi bear, Did you sleep well?"

 

"not really, my stomach feels terrible. "

 

"You did get it pumped, Dan, why did you really take those pills? The first time I mean"

 

"Look Phil, I doesn't matter, I'm fine now!"

 

"Daniel, you aren't fine! You're so far from fine! You've cut yourself to ribbons! You've tried to kill yourself! Twice! Dan......They're calling you crazy" I don't think he's crazy.

 

Broken perhaps, but not crazy.

 

Not even broken beyond repair.

 

He's like when a plate breaks. You have all the big pieces that you can put back together, some of the smaller ones you cant, those smaller one's, I hope, will be the past he's leaving behind

 

"Phil, you don't get it do you? Don't know what its like. To have people stare at you cause you don't look right. Dress right. Act like. Have to take pills in the morning just so you can function properly. Not have any friends, anyone that loves you!"

 

"I do Dan! Look at me! I get stared at so much! For looking the way I want to! Just cause I look like this they think that I'm some kind of monster! I'm not, I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet. I take pills too Dan. Same as you, Prozac klonopin. One of each. Dan I love you I really do, its just, I know how you feel, and I want us to get better together. But you, you just see yourself and all your pity, and you do have the right to do so, I just don't want to spend my life with someone who I love but doesn't love me"

 

"I do love you Phil I do, everything's so fucked up! I love my dad even after what he did, and I hate my mother for never being home. I hate everything, even my dad."

 

"Do you hate me?" I ask softly

 

And just then the door opens, an officer steps in "We've caught him"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support guys!
> 
> Please comment
> 
> Stay Alive and Keep Running-
> 
> Morgan


	33. Restrain

I turn my head to the door "You caught him?" The disbelief and hope is evident in my voice.

 

He smiles and sits down "We did, we'll need you both to give testimony in court of course that'll be later. His bail is at 50,000. He's not going anywhere. Thanks for letting us know about him, here's our card, call us if you need anything else" He sets it on the table and leaves

 

I smile, then frown and look back at Daniel, He never answered my question. "Do you?"

 

"Do I what?"

 

"Hate me Daniel. You said you hate everything, does that mean me too?"

 

He looks down, biting his lip "Bear.....Daniel please if you do I I I'll just go just please say it"

 

"I....."

 

I start to cry "just say it, get it over with"

 

"I love you, I'm just scared that I'll hurt you, become the man my dad was. I thought if I died I couldn't hurt anyone anymore. I've only ever known his love Phil, I I I love you. It's a different love I think. A special one. A more  _real_ one. I..... I'm just so scared. There's just so many what ifs you know? What if you stop loving me? What if you leave? What if my dad comes back? And those make me doubt, question, want to run away and never look back, but then I look at you phil. I look at you and I see......."

 

"see what?" I'm holding his hand now

 

"Hope"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for that long break, needed to do a lot of school stuff then I went to new York.  
> I'm in too many clubs  
> I also needed a break for mental health reasons. 
> 
> Please comment
> 
> Stay Alive and Keep Running-
> 
> Morgan


	34. Salvation

I grab Dan and embrace him in a hug, god he needs it. So do I.

 

He winces "Phil I'd love to hug you but it hurts" I gently set him down "I I'm sorry, I just......."

 

"You don't want to be that person for me do you?"

 

"That person?"

 

"That person that stays, that loves me, cares for me, makes me believe......makes me know that even if its bad today tomorrow will be better. You're the light in my darkness Phil. Damn it sounds cheesy. But you're my sunshine.... I know that nothing bad will happen with you. Your long arms will always be there to hold me if I get scared or sad. You'll make sure I don't get hurt. You........you're my better tomorrow. "

 

Tears blur my vison I don't know what to say 

 

He looks down 

 

"I'll always be here. I'm gonna hold you and make sure no one, no one hurts you ever again. I'm gonna love you till the end of my days and I know you think you're darkness Daniel, but you're so bright. You're smile is. It's warm. I love you Bear. "

 

"I love you too Sunshine."

 

 

*changes to Dan's p.o.v*

 

This time I know I mean it. I do love him and his stupid grin, his stupid adorable grin.

 

And now I know

 

I've found salvation.

 

Maybe now there won't be a ghost in my reflection

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay alive keep running and please, above all be yourself.
> 
> You can do that at least right?
> 
> I know you can.
> 
> I believe in you
> 
> In all of you. 
> 
> \- Morgan


	35. Not

Okay guys. This is not a chapter! BUT PLEASE! This is close to ending and I need ideas for a new fic. Please comment them. 

 

I also wanted to say thanks. To all of you, for reading this. It means a lot. Sometimes I don't believe in myself and then I think "if over a thousand people believe in me, I must be doing something right." There's (as of now) 1928 people reading this. I want you to know I believe in you. I know how hard things get. But I'm here. For all of you

Morgan.

 

DEPRESSION HOTLINE : 1-877-816-1426

SUICIDE HOTLINE: 800-273-8255  
OR TEXT 273TALK to 839863

 

Just in case ~


	36. Heal

                                                                                                        * A few months later*

 

It's June, Daniel and I are graduating, He lives with me now. His Dad is in Jail, all is well.  Every morning I kiss him awake and he hugs me so tight, so so tight. Right now he's drawing. He's good at it too. Every now and then he'll look up at me and smile, like he cant believe I exist. And to be honest I cant believe he's real. He's everything I ever wanted and so much more, so so much more. 

 

"Hey Sunshine, look at this!" He holds up a finished drawing proudly, its of him in his pretty skirt and sweater and a taller more shadowy boy placing a flower crown on his head, us. 

 

"bear I love it" I gently take it and set it on the table and kiss him, how did I get so lucky? He kisses back and pulls away "You messed up my flower crown and fringe!" I chuckle, it only makes him madder, he's gotten so much better, He hasn't cut in months, and he eats everything I make him. "Why cant I have a fringe like yours?" he says angrily "Bear I love your curly hair, its so cute!" "Damn Phil, considering you're a "punk" he makes cute air quotes, everything about him is cute "you could at least act like a punk" I just laugh "I love you Daniel '

 

"I love you too"

 

His eye don't beg for happiness anymore, they used every look he gave me said "I'm hurt, I'm hurt, please save me" I can only hope that I have, I think I have. His dad's gone, for good. He got life in prison. I threw away all his blades. And anytime he cut i'd hold him, and bandage him.  He isn't even ashamed to look in the mirror anymore. That ghost is gone. The reflection has changed. Just like he did

 

"phil?"

 

"yeah?"

 

"Let's go"

 

"Okay bear" I grab his hand, I have no idea where we're going, but I'm not worried. 

 

And neither is he. Not anymore

 

"In and Out" he says 

 

In and out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it ends. Don't worry I have a new fic on the way. 
> 
> Please comment
> 
> Stay alive and keep running-
> 
> Morgan


	37. thanks

Thanks for 2000 hits, I never thought it make it there. I'd deeply appreciate if you go check out my new fic http://archiveofourown.org/works/13145937/chapters/30067851

Please, I hope you all enjoyed this story. 

It made my day to read all the comments. 

As always

Stay Alive and Keep Running-

Morgan

**Author's Note:**

> Comment plz


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